Old Letters

From: George Shakespeare

Dear Sir. Would someone be so kind as to inform the excuse of a director of TOSSA TOURS that he has altzimers, and point out to him that, Calais and Bologne are two different towns in France. Could you also ask, (if you can get any sense out of the little fat gnome) what possessed him to split our latest expedition to Froggy land into different groups, causing great distress to our paid up members, and that I will be seeking redress thro my esteemed solicitors of Grabitt & Run, for untold pain and suffering caused solely by that demented dwarf in charge. I shall also be suing for loads of money( which he keeps hidden in his baggy pants) for psychiatric counselling for not being able to share a hotel with the lovely Wendy Woo.He even arranged for it to piss down with rain thus insuring that the weekend was a complete disaster. Angry from Billericay

From: Stan Rose

Friends and Colleagues of the GSLR who are unable- incapable - barred, or otherwise bereft of the joys and delights of wallowing in the Hertfordshire countryside with their nubile clubmates each month, are invited to contact Fat Sam whose e-mail address may be found in the 'Members Only' section of the GSLR website, or via the ex-directory telephone number, which members should have. Fat Sam

From:Pete Lea

Hi Fozzie, It's Piet. I have finally got rid of a sequence of h/ware problems and data losses and have finished my academic courses - music and learning to speak proper like what the frogs do - and now I'm catching up on the dregs of life by logging on to the GSLR site. It's as good as ever - except for the lies Fat M supplies on the "who are we?" page but we won't go into that again.

Keep twiddling!!!! Piet

From: John Guttridge

Oh Dear, Oh Dear, Oh Dear Sounds as though there is some falling out amongst chums on Auriels Training Camp. We on Tossa Tours had a splendid time with no hint of rancour, disgraceful conduct or beastly behaviour, apart from Fat M breaking wind loudly in a public place to the amusement of three ladies? who were passing by. He was given a stern warning by myself and is under no illusion that any future conduct unbecoming Tossa Tours will not be tolerated. Wendy Woo also received a caution for laughing, clapping her hands and shouting " I hope you've shit your pants Fordy" in a loud voice. Tossa Tours prides itself on being the No. 1 holiday company for cycling gentlefolk and I would suggest that anyone seeking a holiday in Majorca next year seriously considers bringing their custom to us. TOSSA's - the specialist travel company for genuine Tossers.

'erbert

From:Auriel Forrester Subject: Insulted and upset

I am very upset that you have put about the image and therefore the notion that my "boy" friend shags stoned fish. May I please correct you ----- he is particular to the Spanish delicacy of smooth hound but scaly stoned fish is definitely NOT on the menu. Please publish something more acceptable as my reputation is on the line.

PS. I suggest you oblige or else your frothing over German totty will become "public" knowledge !!! ???? "Er that really ought to be ............"

PS Enjoyed Mallorca and hope to do it again !!!!!!!!!!

(The Webmaster frothing over totty is common knowledge)

From: Himineth el Dago Subject: Stoned fish

Dear webmaster I find it quite amazing that anyone can derive satisfaction and amusement at other's distress. Just because we can't all pull the birds doesnt make it OK for you to poke fun at simple pleasures and amusements. In future please leave your camera at home and dont over expose your chums. You have caused me untold embarrassment amongst my peers. I have had to travel incognito in search of friendship and companionship in my old age. Please publish an apology and this photograph of myself and a well known sheep sporting on the Downs. May I say that apart from this incident my holiday in Majorca was very enjoyable. I saw 'erbert the top Tossa there and he was very friendly!!! See you next year,

Himineth el Dago aka the pissed fisherman Jimbo

From: The Small Man With The Big Email Address - MALCOLM.FORD.7976250.LUTO@ntlworld.co.uk

Subject: LOSING MAGAZINE

LOSING MAGAZINE is relaunched this month. Look out for a copy plopping through your letter box cos it contains an expose of Fozzie's points comp, a report from the nark's nest, a load of baloney from RR plus front line reports from Feb's clubtrot and the famous Ardres classic. And where did the plates come from? FREE TO THOSE WOT PAID THEIR SUBS

From: Himineth el Dago Subject: Ardres

Dear Webmaster as a totally unbiased observer I must say I was impressed by Himineth-el-dago's second coming. I think the boy has a great future behind him! Jimbo

www.tecnisportracingteam.co.uk

From: Coppee Subject: Coppee gets his pole up on Alp d Huez

Just come back from a ski trip,hope this picture comes out okay see you next week Regards Coppee

From: Himineth el Dago Subject: Second comings

Sir It's not just a rumour! Himineth el Dago will have his second (or third) coming at Ardres in March shortly after his 57th birthday. Is this a record? Jimbo

From: The Small Man With The Big Email Address - MALCOLM.FORD.7976250.LUTO@ntlworld.co.uk

It's not my fault. I was brung up in the wireless era with Dick Barton and he didn't have to deal with funny tech like wot yours is. Our email was kindly given to us by ntl so I don't know wot to do about changing my silly address. Bollocks.

From:Auriel Forrester

Any members of erstwhile "cycling" club fancy a week or fortnight in Mallorca. 11th March (for two weeks) or 18th March for one week Venue - Hotel Uyal, Puerto Pollensa Tour Guides - Dave Le Grys : tour of sprint signs and mountainous regions Auriel Forrester : tour of less mountainous regions, cafes and bars Guest appearance : Himineth ????

Anyway, if you want to go, make yourself known to myself or Himineth. All proceeds of trip to the Himineth retirement fund !!

Check out www.spindoctor-training.com Best wishes Auriel Forrester

Be sure to visit : www.scientific-coaching.com - home of spindoctor turbo and www.tecnisportracingteam.co.uk - what cyclists end up doing when they get older !!

From: Swiss Tony

Being in the Lanterne Rouge is very much like making love to a beautiful women. You waste lots af time honing your technique so you can impress. You chat to your mates whilst you admire the rear. You then make an attempt to get on the front. You then push to go for the sprint, only to find you've blown your lot in 30 seconds.

Here are some of my other comparisons:

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting up a tent, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Of course, as you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

From: Lawrence M Subject: From the guest book

I just wanted to say hello to the 3 young members I met last Sunday 19/8 while one was mending a puncture. I was the guy with the blue giant (bike, in this case), accompanying 2 friends who were training for a london-paris charity run.

While chatting about local clubs/rides - and the tropical rainy season we swam through that morning - you mentioned your website. I can see why it's popular, it's fun and i've enjoyed looking round.

Looking at your photos, I - very hesitantly - hazard a guess that the 3 members I met were 'the chief', 'fatM' and 'fire chief', the latter being the one with said puncture.

I hope this is a vaguely, and socially! acceptable guess. I think the puncture disease may have been operating contagiously that day since I later caught one myself - so commiserations to my fellow sufferer.

I'm still scouting for info on local clubs/rides. you mentioned having connections with verulam race club, and i wondered if you could pass me contact details, eg website. your site doesn't carry ride details - I guess this could reflect a 'strong club identity' policy eg on appropriate attire(!) - though you mentioned there's a meeting point and members/riders turn up when available.

I'm feeling info-starved at the moment - I don't even know how to contact my home town's luton wheelers!

Thanks for your help so far, and it was good to meet you. good luck,

Lawrence M

From: The Webmaster

Thanks for your comments, and the email directly to the Webmaster, just a correction, the 3 you met would have been the "Three Muscateers from Harpenden", that being "Chair", "Int'Ven", and "Firechief". So Firechief's luck is still keeping form, last time out he hit the deck for no reason.

From: Michael Cross Subject: A Recent Letter

What is going on here? GSLR chums out en-masse on a Thursday evening? The sooner we get back to Thursday evening men-only dinners, the better.!

and

When is Fozzie going to take out a licence and hand out the Sunday morning thrashings to those who expect it, rather than those of us who thought we were in an old gits social club?

Le Criox

From: The Webmaster

I was also wondering who was out on a Thursday evening, it certainly wasn't me or Fat M. Suspicions are it was the other fit contingent of the GSLR that resides in that area.

As for Fozzy getting a license... it may yet happen! But at the moment he is keeping up the tradition of previous 40+ yr. olds in earlier years of the GSLR.

From: John Guttridge Subject: GSLR Website

This is a dead website.

It has ceased to exist

It has curled its toes up and gone to meet its maker

It is bereft of life

It is a DEAD WEBSITE

From: Terry Cocksedge Subject: G'day

Hi, this is Terry Cocksedge (cock in the hedge). I have picked up the link from Jim's website to GSLR. As an original member of the GSLR do I have a password to be able to access the Members only link?

Sorry I couldn't catch up with you all on my recent trip to the UK but I ran out of time after family commitments etc.

It will be good to keep up to date with the Club through your site from here in Australia.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Terry

From: Mark Holland Subject: Are you guys the friendliest club around?

Hi there,

I moved to Hitchin in mid-May and have seen a number of your members when I've been out on my bike. You really should get some more discrete shorts!

Ho ho!

Anyway I was riding up through Upper Gravenhurst last Thursday evening when I met a gaggle of GSLR riders coming down the hill. Each and every one said hello. What a difference compared to most of the miserable gits I usually see. Well done chaps, you are a credit to your club.

Best wishes,

Mark Holland

From: gina_craving@yahoo.com Subject: Diane Thought You Might Have Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile dysfunction - the medical term for impotence - is defined as the "consistent inability to get and/or maintain an erection sufficient for satisfactory sexual activity." If you know or suspect you have erectile dysfunction, it's important to realize you're not alone. Chances are someone you know is also dealing with erectile dysfunction, or ED. Believe it or not, about 30 million American men suffer from erectile dysfunction. According to one U.S. study, ED affects, to some degree, about half of men ages 40 to 70!

From: Mark Ryan Subject: Where can I purchase a jersey with big red lantern?

Great site, esp the photos! Your club jersey is beautiful but I am looking for one that actually features an image of the red lantern. I suspect if somebody manufactures one, that you would have been solicited.

Any ideas?

Also, would you be willing to sell and post one of yours to me and I will wear it here in Texas. I am male and 40 plus.

Thank you!

Mark Ryan

From: Auriel Forrester Subject: Rudeness

I think it very sexist and even more rude not to reply or post letters (or emails) from "tarts-on-bikes". After all if it was not for us you would have no purpose in life and also would have no clean cycling shorts

My - earlier posted - concerns relate to the poor dacorum in the sock department of certain members of GSLR (notably those illustrated on your index page)

Other concerns relate to the blatant sexish within your recent newsletter - ie why is only the afternoon sprint (re Ardres) worthy of a mention - is it because a "tart-no-bike" won 3 out of the four morning ones ??

And finally - my name is spelt AURIEL not auriole - I am not a bird and a "tart-on-a -bike-with-rainbow-stripes"

PS I would love to join GSLR but I am blessed with being of the correct sex to be exempt

TTFN

PPSS When it the next trip and can we build in some shopping time ??????

From: Auriel Forrester Subject: Nice Site !!

Himineth gave me the web address and I am most impressed - all it needs is a link to my site.

Might be persuaded to do the Roubaix thing if i don't get dropped on Sunday

TTFN

Can't get onto the members bit 'cause no-ones invited me !

Like the piccies but can you do something about Himineth's socks !!

***************************

Thanks for a great day out - next please, no mud and a little warmer ! Special thanks to The Chair for the tow back to Calais

From: John Guttridge

Q. "What do you reckon of this 'ere Intranets wot webmaster has got us into then"?

A. " Load of old bollocks"

From: Jim Mepham Subject: Travellers' Tales

Sir,

I read with interest the news that Tossa Tours hope to travel to Majorca in 2001.

I would encourage anyone who has any real hope of being known as a 'traveller' to grasp this rarely offered opportunity to see faraway places with Tossa Tours.

I have travelled extensively with Tossas to places as remote as Norfolk, Chesham and Enfield.

On each occaision it has been a real experience and I have returned refreshed and hopefull for the 'Future of Mankind'.

'Erbert, the Tossa in Chief takes every chance to make temporary Tossas feel part of the group. Anyone travelling with Tossa Tours on a regular basis becomes known as a Total Tossa, culminating of course after many trips in the title of 'Complete Tossa'.

I hope to see many new Tossas in Majorca next year.

Himineth el Dago.

From: Michael Cross Subject: Who writes this stuff, anyway?

I bet you can't tell who wrote the account of our recent invasion of Belgium. A sackful of Fred Flintstone's redundant bike parts to the first correct answer on a five pound note (well, it is the Lanterne Rouge, isn't it?) sent in before the 6 October food fest.

From: Peter Lea

Dear Webmaster/Messenger,

Thank you for your prompt response in kicking the saddle-area of the social sec. It has always been my belief that we shouldn't let our sponsors interfere with the true sporting objectives of the club (i.e. sporting a hangover) and this episode shows up the dangers of such a confusion of priorities. Fancy letting a rich multi-national Kraut organisation interfere with our laddish social life - what would the Daily Mirror have to say about this?

All you have to do now is ensure there are enough petrol supplies available and the Frog contingent of two will be there on the night.

Mr. Angry of Ile de France

From: Peter Lea

Wot's going on????

Why is the club dinner announced as "date to be advised". It is always the first Friday in October. The only time this didn't apply was two years ago when you deliberately screwed me by postponing it a week when I had already planned specially to be in UK for the occasion. Once again, having been assured it will be on 6 October I have made plans to spend the week in UK so as to prepare my speeches, jokes, thirst, etc. (and do a bit of non-GSLR business as well). Just bloody-well confirm the date as the first Friday in October and f**k all the others who can't make the effort to come.

Your chum Piet (also sometimes known as Mr. Angry)

Dear Mr Angry. Instead of shooting the messenger perhaps you should direct your venom towards those in charge of the social events.

At the time of preparing the diary page last month the date had not been confirmed, as our hard working social secretary was reported as expecting to be in some far eastern province promoting German Engineering.

Only today, 12th September, have I received official confirmation of the date and location. If you care to check, the diary page has now been updated to show this. As you are so keen to be there, get your cheque reservations in as soon as possible, as there might not be enough room at the inn. (up)Yours in Cyberspace. Webmaster (sometimes known as Mr. Who Gives a S***)

From: John Guttridge

Have just read the link to L'Equipe Lanterne Rouge (based in USA) Who do these guys think they are? Have they no shame? The noble order of the 'Lanterne Rouge" is an honourable (or 'orrible) institution dedicated to the furtherance of the art of degrading ones body to the lowest depths by overeating, overdrinking and sundry other unmentionable personal habits. These glorious, hedonistic ideals are bound together with a common love of riding ones bicycle with one's chums at speeds never approaching that of racing.

When one reads of a like sounding organisation publicly directing its members to have strategies, trying to get club members on the podium, riding safely etc. etc. its enough to make one pay one's club subs willingly. Even filling in an application form as they require would tax a true "Lanterne Rouger's" I.Q. What next - election of officials, AGM's, democracy - No Never!

Webmaster I implore you to erase such heresy from the website. I am sure many other members feel as I do. Remember Britain never became a third rate nation with such nonsensical ideals such as winning.

We are(nt) the Champions......

We are(nt the Champions......

We are(nt) the Champions - of the World !!.............

Yours 'erbert

From: John Guttridge

Have stayed in 3 places which qualify for the"TossaTours" "Buggerallthere" award. Met ToJo and Wendy for a few days.

Regards

'erbert

From: Peter Lea

Rewriting History

Dear Webmaster,

After seeing our cartoon figure scratching his head for a year pondering the question "who is the GSLR?" it was a relief to see you have finally had the courage to attempt a definition. Although tempted (a lovely word!) to do so on a number of occasions myself, I felt I had insufficient reference material.

One of the perils of writing history is that the writing comes after the event, and is usually undertaken by someone who was not present. Which is why it is so difficult to establish historical facts, however, using the Last Post as basic reference data for the truth is sheer folly.

The editor of the Last Post wouldn't recognise the truth if it ran over him on a special edition Colnago.

It is true that my esteemed friend Fat M, the club chronicler for so many years, did produce a monthly news-sheet but someone who was not present invariably produced it after the event. His clubtrot accounts were written during the following week and reflected his vantage point at the back of the disintegrating group. Likewise, what we laughingly (sometimes hysterically) called his minutes of meetings were written in a post-alcoholic haze - if he had been there at all. As no one wanted to write the minutes we deputised him to do it even when absent. To his credit he always rose to the challenge and these were some of his better accounts. It is evident from his first account of the inaugural meeting that there were already a considerable number of members in attendance at the Curly Sarnie Club so the GSLR was obviously by then well established.

Like Fat M, I am now also sadder, wiser and fatter and ought to know better than to send what will become a contentious historical document in the fourth millennium, when the earliest beginnings of the GSLR are the subject of intense national research, but unlike Fat M - I was there! This is the account of what truly happened before that meeting - you can enlarge your web story with parts of this as you see fit.

The concept of the GSLR was indeed born in the tiny amount of grey matter shared between Chair and Himeneth. The idea as it was explained to me was in three parts: 1) All the cycling chums of (then) Jim and Ron were race officials of the BCF and yet they never got to ride with them as they were all in different clubs. ("I wonder why?" you might ask). 2) Years of shepherding schoolchildren on Sunday clubruns, showing them things like how to mend punctures, to ride steadily, to stay alive, etc was taking its toll - especially when they started to win the sprint for home. 3) At that time we had more money than the schoolboys (remember when?), and on Sundays preferred to eat in better places than the cheapest caffs - i.e. in pubs.

Solution: start a monthly run for male adults from other clubs to earn a break from the little horrors.

In best GSLR tradition it was talked about endlessly without anyone actually doing anything about it until one freezing wet day in the 1980/1 winter four (it may have been five) Verulam chums - later to be known as Chair, Int' Ven, Firechief, and Piet took shivering shelter in the Waggoners where they spent all the money they had, and a bit more that they didn't have, on alternately, large whiskies and brandies. Standing at the bar, looking and feeling like large, blue, wet, shivering prunes preserved in alcohol we decided this was much more fun than the usual Verulam run and the GSLR was well and truly born that day. All we had to do was rope in all the other club rejects in North London and "collect some money" (the other Club Motto).

During the summer Ron (soon to be Chair) proposed the name and he and I developed the car sticker slogan "Lanternes Rouges come from behind" (he never did get the French spelling right) and Jim and the others arranged jerseys and matching members - all of which resulted in the meeting which you so graciously recorded as the first official event. Was anything ever official in this club? (Incidentally it is because it contains so many other-club members that it has never been affiliated.)

Early alternative names were (see early editions of Last Post/Cycling Weakly) - the Fat Team, Boys Own Racers, and latterly, Old Gits Cyclo and Sad Bastards Anonymous. Early notable members other than Megastar, who was then a ministar, were National Champions Phil Corley and Nigel Dean, celebrated author, UCI official and World Championships organiser Chas. Messenger, noted coach and physio Bill Bonfield (Metal Willie). We also have somewhere a photo of Eddy Merckx wearing a Lanterne Rouge hat but keep it hidden pending his threat of legal action. We ceased the automatic membership of Tour de France Lanternes Rouges when a) none of them accepted and b) the Tour organisers gave up the award to get rid of us.

First nationally reported activities were the 1981 Paris-Roubaix randonnee and the censuring of the club by the RTTC because one of its riders interfered with the Ladies 25-mile Championships by exposing his bum and distracting competitors. (Those of us who have seen Lol's bum know this is a ludicrous claim - anyway he was only trying to encourage/threaten Madge, the only Lanterne Rose rider, to greater efforts).

Yours truly (as they say) Piet

(Note from Webmaster. So you can give The Observer version, and FatM gives The Sun version. As this is read worldwide I have to appeal to the populist masses. The potted version gleaned from our holy scrolls say's much the same as you, but thanks for filling the gaps, that is unless someone else knows yet another version?)

From: Michael Cross

When I was a lad oop north, we would regularly (well, once a year when we started training) ride from Teesside to Alston AND BACK all in one day! It is 140 miles!

Whatever happened to getting the miles in?

Michel "reeel butta" le Croix.

(Note from the Webmaster. Well even reducing the daily mileage to that of a regular club run failed to get any takers so said event has been cancelled. As you imply, the membership really is a bunch of southern softies. The words "Rocket" and "Arse" come to mind!)

From: John Guttridge

To all past customers and those who bitterly regret not coming on Tossatours inaugural training camp in April this year.

I have had a brochure from Ideal Travel regarding their Majorca Training Camps in Feb, March and April 2001.

They have booked an apartment/hotel for March 2001, the 4 star Playa Mar Aparthotel on the Fomentor Road within 1k of the shops restaurants of Puerto Pollensa. Accommodation consists of 1bed apartments for 2 adults or (1 adult and two blow up dolls) with bathroom, kitchenette, balcony, sat. TV. Hotel has an indoor pool, tennis, squash, minigolf (Himineth will offer sage advice if available), and sauna. Included in Half Board, return flights, insurance and bike transport to and from airport.

Dates are Friday 16th March 14 nights Luton £472.50.

Friday 23 March 7 nights Luton £352.50.

Other airports are available at increased rates

Bike hire if required is £50 a week extra. Insurance premium is included and will be deducted if you have your own suitable policy.

Sounds as if it might be a good opportunity to return to Majorca. I don't know what the food is likely to be like. There are other trips in April but they are to the Pollensa Park Hotel (Stasi HQ) but the food there is definitely NOT to GSLR dietary requirements.

I personally think Majorca is probably the best bet for riding in March, I've invariably had pretty good weather and there are lots of cunning and ferocious Hun to thrash.

If any 'Rougers' are interested let me know later on. Ideal can also arrange group holidays with bike transport etc. outside of the training camps mentioned above.

Best wishes

'erbert

From: Anon

You Know You're a Biker When...

1.Any one of your bikes is worth more than your car.

2.You choose an apartment solely on the basis of whether or not it is flat enough to ride into and how close the good roads/trails are.

3. Your bike rack is worth more than your car.

4.Your legs are tan only to mid-thigh.

5. The first thing you ask when you regain consciousness is "How's my bike".

6. You actually move farther from work so your bike commute will be longer.

7. You mentally log every meal as "good fuel" or "bad fuel".

8. Your learn you have X money left over after paying bills and the first thing you do is reach for the nearest bike catalogue.

9. 75% of the tools you own are from Park or Campagnolo.

10. You dream of winning the lottery and the first thing you think of is "how many/which bikes can that money buy?"

11. You can tell your significant other with a straight face that its too hot to mow the lawn then take off on your bike.

12. Someone in a car asks for directions and you accidentally give them a route that includes motor vehicle barriers, or a route that bypasses all freeways/busy roads (or is very scenic etc.)

13. You buy a car based on whether or not a bike will fit in the trunk/back

14. You pull up hard on the steering wheel trying to jump your car over a pothole.

15. You know the distance of every point of interest within 20 miles of your house as well as the location of every pothole along the way.

16. You refuse to buy a couch because your bikes take up that patch of wall space.

From: Steve Dunnico

Hello Gentlemen of GSLR

May I introduce myself, Steve Dunnico, I run a small creative design/multimedia company as my day job, but spend as much time as possible on two wheels.

About 6 years ago I organised a charity mountain bike ride (about 25 miles) in the sunny lanes and bridleways of Hampshire. It was based on a ride I did as a teenager (I've been into roadie stuff since a toddler) with a pal to Bordeaux - we had jerseys made up with the immortal name Betty Swollocks.

Now at 39 years old, I've climbed back onto a Campag fettled Bianchi as the urge to ride the roads again has overtaken off-road. This year I will be organising another Betty Swollocks mtb charity ride BUT, want desperately to attract a road going contingent for a pleasant sortie around Hampshire's finest. I don't want to label the event as road race because it won't be.

Would you be interested in attending if I can get enough like-minded roadies? Expect the usual set-up: start and finish at a pub (excellent beers/food), a few route markers for the 30mile-ish ride.

Mail me back if you're interested - regards - Steve Dunnico

PS - betty-swollocks.com goes live in a couple of weeks.

From: JANET FLANAGAN

Congratulations on your website. I really enjoyed visiting it I particularly enjoyed the friendly banter between yourselves. My husband Nick and I run a guesthouse in the French Pyrenees that is exclusively for cyclists.

Have you ever thought of competing in the Ariegeoise cyclosportive as a group? The info is on http://www.bikepyrenees.com

I admire your no women policy, at least you have the courage to come clean and exclude openly us girls.

Best wishes

Jan Flanagan

(Note from the Webmaster. Thanks Jan, glad you liked the site. Sounds like a prospective GSLR venue. I will see if any of the ancients in the club feel up to it. Any discount for pensioners?)

From: Michael Cross

As a replacement event for the cancelled new year lunch at Chez Cross, there will be a garden party (indoor garden if wet) at 40 Bagshot Road on Sunday 18 June. Families welcome.

Commencing at 14.00, the usual food and drink, reminicinses boasts, looking back to when we were stars, slagging off those who don't turn up etc.

Please let me know if you will be coming at the usual telephone numbers or email me at the above

Thanks

Michel du Croix

From: Michael Cross

Dear Chums,

What follows was edited down from an article in the comic last year; shall we invade?

"A big attraction, which mixes Continental stars and club racers in the same all-day event, is the Duo Normand time trial at Marigny in Normandy in September. The first teams set off at 7 am and the last, the elite pros, hit the road around 6 p.m. The whole town closes down for the occasion and locals put visiting teams up and treat them to dinner in the evening. 300 two-man teams take part in this 54-kilometre test. The event is run on closed roads with lead motorcycles and following cars. The entry fee is £20.00 per team. Chris Boardman and Paul Manning are past winners. There is always a VIP as guest of honour. They have included Sean Kelly, Bernard Thevenet and Francesco Moser. The sporting course starts and finishes in Marigny. It rises gently for just over a kilometre to start with before a gradual descent of several kilometres. Then there is a lengthy flat section until kilometre 30, from which it is up and down all the way to the finish." I shall ask for details as I really fancy a bit of posing in our second favourite country.

Best regards

Michel du Croix

From: John Guttridge

wots appened to the website wots going on in cyberspace is the webmaster still running this inter galactic news agency or wot has mr angry of moseley been struck dumb has fat sam had a gagging order served on him thank goodness for the quill and ink of losing magazine - the voice of the people vive la liberte vive le gslr vive le typewriter

From: John Guttridge

Hi Matt and Andrea

On behalf of all members of the GS Lanterne Rouge many congratulations on gaining the coveted 'maglia nero' in the Giro, a position us Lanterne Rougers can only dream of. A bit of advice though. There is no need to crash to get this position. All of us in the club have done it without the pain involved by sheer overindulgence in good food and wine, disinclination to train and the willpower necessary to pull on a size XXXL GSLR jersey.

Seriously though, brilliant stuff and everyone who knows you is talking about yourself and the team and wishing you all every success and a bit of luck to get to Milan. Ron Gray, this year President of the Pickwick Bicycle Club and Chair and co-founder of the GSLR also sends his best wishes and congratulations.

D'ont fall off again!

From: George Shakespeare

Dear sirs,

After being invited to what was described to me by the CHAIR as the club dinner to end all club dinners, this is certainly true for my wife, who wakes up screaming in the night, shouting something like "get that mad chicken away from me". I can only assume that she is referring to that indecent exhibition of the CHAIR who exposed himself during his drunken mumbling of a speech, and the mad chicken referred to must have been the sight of those scrawny chicken like things the CHAIR calls his racing legs. I presume the CHAIR must have female tendencies because there was not any evidence of a "cock "in sight.

Disappointed of Billericay

From: John Guttridge

Stop Press:

Mail on Sunday 30 January. P. 16, Night and Day Magazine.

Prof. Leslie Aiello, Professor of Anthropology, University College, London

(and you can't get much better than that!)

says-

'You cannot have a big brain and big guts'

Well - what a surprise! Is Tina Turner a woman?

Would those members of the GSLR 'family' of ' a certain circumference' like to

comment?

Your well rounded comments (as the webmaster would say) would be appreciated

(or perhaps not),

'erbert

From: Webmaster

Are these the reasons why the GSLR like to ride their bikes?

Why bicycles are better than Women...

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologise before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

A Bicycle doesn't give you scratch marks all down your back during the final 'sprint' ('erbert)

Bicycles don't get upset when you break wind loudly while riding one ('erbert)

From: John Guttridge

As a fully paid up member of the GSLR I didn't realise what a load of s.o.g's the GSLR are until I invested my hard-earned police pension in a computer and viewed the photo-gallery on the website. When I was lured away from Mapei to the GSLR many seasons ago I honestly thought I was going to the creme de la creme of professional outfits. More like misfits. Who are these guys? Can I have my subs back? I feel like jacking it in and buying a bar on the top of the Geraardsbergen. Hang on, just had a call from Saeco. Mario is looking for a new 'rouleur' to take him up to the line over the last 5 km's. I'll consider the offer unless Godfather and Int'Ven can substantially increase my salary!

Got to go, Fedex has just delivered a brand new Cannondale, Mario can't sod about waiting for you.

PS: If I don't make the grade, can I be lead out man for Fred?

(Note from Webmaster, the above was printed on this page after working the 'spell checker' on overtime. Perhaps Mr Gutteridge would like to find out how to work his PC before sending his next missive.)

From: John Gutteridge Subject: unfourgivabel critisizm of felow klub chum via siberspays

Deer Webmaster

Itz nott offen that i am driven to poot didgit to keebord butt ure unwarented critisizm of my speling to orl and sundray orl rownd the woorld is moore than i kan bere.

after syx yeers at eest am gramar skool and the prowd posesor of a loan gce oh level in Inglish langwidge i rekon i kan spel as wel as enewon els kan.

mi reportz to Loozing magazeen hav bean publishid withowt ene orlterrashuns and the edditer of that f yne (iff sporradick) publikashun duz no how too spel coz iff he didint he woodnt be abel to fil in thoes elektrik metre fourms wot he duz weak inn, weak owt.

i wood be oblidged iff u wood pubblish anne apolodgy onn the commuter whore

i wil gett verrey kross and giv u a publik humilliashun on the byke (aggane).

(upp) yoors

Herbert

(Reply from Webmaster: As I have recently attended a personal leadership course, instructing me how to portray a warm and sincere atmosphere in the work place, I will use my new found skills on the reply. You appear to be someone who has grasped the fine art of writing in spherical mode. Never have I seen so much spherical art in one letter, and please continue sending well rounded comments in the future).

From: John Bull Subject: 'erbert's spelling

What do you expect from someone who spells Hello with an 'e' !!

'Oh no He's Back!'

From: Aidan Hegarty

Sir, It is with dismay that I write to you again to lambaste the behaviour of the members of your so-called cycling club at the Verulam cycling club dinner on Saturday past. I had the pleasure of being the guest speaker the previous year at this function and did not charge my usual modest fee for my services.

However when I took to the floor I found myself being heckled by what I first imagined to be a dissident breakaway group from the BCF and was not duly perturbed by their antics having some sympathy with that train of thought.

You can imagine my dismay when it was found that heckling came from no more than what can only be described as Hertfordshire's answer to Larger Louts in the guise of the GSLR. The president's wife who apologised profusely for the behaviour of this rabble joined me in my embarrassment. Her quote was "Oh those awful people from the Lanterne Rouge, they always are so noisy. I hope that they don't wreck the place again this year." I suppose they get tickets for such functions on the black market or from touts.

This brings me to this year's debacle. Having been invited back I suppose to redress last years furore I attended the venue in good time to be early to be confronted by a large contingent of GSLR at the bar doing what can only be described as Power Drinking. The one they call CHAIR was doing a fine impression of a sponge asking all and sundry in his shouting range to buy him alcohol. Whilst those around him complied with his request for drink and queued at the bar he would drunkenly accost their ladies by slobbering all over them.

When we sat down to dinner the one known as Les'bien spilt a whole bottle of red wine over the table. Hardly the actions of a sober man. I had much sympathy for his wife whom looked long suffering and acutely embarrassed by this. I am led to believe that this man could have been a top class racing cyclist if he could have come to terms with his alcohol problem earlier in his career.

It is with dismay that the behaviour of one of the females accompanying the one they call Fred or Mascot did nothing to enhance the reputation of GSLR. At one point this lady who answers to the name of Wilma got up, left the table she was seated on and went and sat on the knee of the one they call Firechief. They gyrated in what can only be described as a sexually provocative manner before disappearing behind some curtains to satisfy each other's carnal craving.

I am not a judge but there were young people present. Typical of the morals of GSLR.

At a later stage of the proceedings the one known as Fat M was seen going from table to table emptying wine bottles straight down his throat. His need for a wineglass having long passed as he spilt the contents of his wineglass all over the table he was seated at. Again the actions of a sober man!

Some time around 9PM, a good two hours after the function started the one known as Fozzy walked into the venue without so much as an apology to the officials at the top table for his late arrival, disrupting the proceedings. Typical behaviour of the GSLR.

During the after dinner speech by the guest this was rudely interrupted by members of GSLR getting up to avail themselves of the toilet. At one point the one called Chair in his drunken stupor tried to enter the staff entrance to the kitchen to relieve him self. When he eventually found that the door was locked he hid behind a dividing screen to relieve himself. I find this type of behaviour more in keeping with the vagrants of Kings Cross.

When it came to the prize presentation another one of the GSLR known as Joe the Fat Boy would not sit down and insisted on shaking hands with all the recipients. If they were of the female sex he tried to push his tongue into the back of their throats and had to be hauled off by Verulam officials present. Another fine example of GSLR behaviour.

My last observation on the behaviour of GSLR. In reply to the guest speaker the one known as Gravesey or Greasy got up and his reply can only described as a drunken slur. The slurred speech was such that the expletives used were not recognisable except to the trained ear, which appeared to be most of the GSLR. The behaviour of GSLR at this function was such that it makes Jeffrey Archer look like a saint. It only reaffirmed my belief that cycling would be a better sport without such specimens.

ANGRY OF MOLESEY.

(Note from Webmaster: The above function seems to have been a blinding night. Glad to hear the GSLR are on form)

From: Aidan Hegarty

Dear Sir/Madam,

I think the way that you portray yourselves as a cycling club is disgraceful. Pictures of alleged athletes' sitting outside Public houses is not the sort of encouragement one should be giving to aspiring young cyclists. Have any of your club members actually competed in cycle sport or do you pursue the modern day trend of just posing. It would appear from your photographs that you all suffer from some or other physical defect, the one called Chair resembles a gnome, is he called chair because his size makes him appear that he is always sitting. Then there is the one called Fat M. I'm surprised that someone like him can see where he is going wearing those spectacles. The rest of the pictures show your members that an over indulgence in continental lager has taken place. I would assume that the only racing you do these days is to the bars of dubious drinking establishments. May I suggest that if you want to be taken seriously that you appoint a good coach who may be able to salvage something from such a rabble? This is something I am highly qualified in but my fees are quite high, please do not hesitate to contact me if my services are of use to you. I have been able to turn other no hoper's around by such means as persuading them to take up chess and dominoes. Yours in sport ANGRY OF MOLESEY

From: Miffed of Winchmore Hill

Dear Editor

I see in the latest edition of 'LOSING' that I have been christened 'Herbert', a likeness I strongly object to on the grounds that other GSLR members have been named after top bike riders- Himineth, I'nt ven and now Copee.

I cannot recall any classy bike rider blessed with the boyish good looks, like wot I've got, called Herbert. The only well known people called Herbert I can think of are (Lom) and Morrison, a socialist bastard. Unless this unwarranted defamation is withdrawn you will hear from my solicitors in due course.

Yours faithfully

'Miffed' of Winchmore Hill

From: The Webmaster

Dear Angry of Moseley

Just because a GSLR Jersey can't be found to fit you, no need to denigrate the slimmer members of the club.

Perhaps a few laps in the gerbil wheel will assist in trimming your waistline, to meet the GSLR regulation measurements.

From: Fat Sam Subject: Angry of Molesey

Angry of Molesey is obviously of a jealous nature, no doubt due to his large frontage, which prevents him from performing some of the heroic deeds of those brave and intrepid followers of the French canal system.

If he can squeeze into a GSLR jersey, I'm sure I could!

Fat Sam

From: Jak le Pak Subject: Reply to Mr Angry of Moseley

I am dismayed at Mr Hegerty's condemnation of a club geared to National and Olympic hopefuls. My own prospects of stardom rest with this organisation. Therefore I find his comments hurtful to us younger element.

Jak le Pak

From: i.rose@skynet.be

Mon cher Sir,

I do not know vat all ze fuss is about. Coming from ze country of ze straight banana AND of ze Eddy Mercx (for zis is Belgium), I am relaxed and relieved zat you sportsmen from ze ozer side of ze Channel are so relaxed. Personally I vould give anyzing to be free from ze (ow you say) controversy wen even ze Belgian lawyers ave been (allegedly) up to it, and wen zis, our "nationaal sport", as been ze focus of ze terrible press reports. Ow ve long to zit in ze pub and talk about it, rather than aving to do it, as you English prefer to do.

Keep it up!

Votre Brussels correspondent.

From: Aidan Hegarty

Sir/Madam,

After stirring up something of a hornet's nest with my last correspondence I feel obliged to offer something of an apology. I'm sorry that I may have underestimated the dedication that some of your members have to the sport. Its not every club that gets together if the weather is fine and rides to the pub once a month. Obviously with this rigid training schedule I assume that you have some members who are the future of British cycle sport and are part of the World Class Performance Plan, Perhaps you might be able to furnish me with the details of your club coach, I can only imagine that with your success in competition he must be a product of the old Eastern Block. Another thing that intrigues me is if you run a youth policy and at what age you start your prodigies given that some of your active members have been with your organisation the best part of fifty years. (ARE THESE THE E.P.O. MERCHANTS) I await in anticipation of answers to these queries.

ANGRY OF MOLESEY.